As I watched parts of the IF conference last week, I was struck by the number of speakers who had suffered a tragedy and turned it into a grand platform to proclaim God. Now, this is not the first time this has been brought to my attention. I can think of many blogs where families suffer from a loss of a child or lose homes to disaster, books that inspire you to movement because of the suffering or loss in the author's life, and personal testimonies that leave you in awe of God's sovereignty and goodness in the midst of tradgedy. Our God is so much bigger, so much better than good or fair, He IS! As Rev. 22:13 says, "I am the Alpha and the Omega, the First and the Last, the Beginning and the End." When I hear a story about someone's life that seems so tragic that a person can not handle it, it gives me a deeper faith in who can handle it: God.
Last summer, an online friend lost a special needs child to accidental drowning. I poured over her words as she blogged about her pain and healing and God's grace. From the first words she typed about the tragedy to last weeks' post (that spoke to me on a level I never wish it would have), you see God through all of it! I remember telling my husband through tears what had happened and saying, “It could not have happened to a person who would give more glory and honor to God.” I was/ am still amazed by her faith and strength. And then it happened: another high-profile adoption blogger lost a child and is proclaiming the great sovereign God and his perfect plan. I've read story after story of amazing faith and belief in the midst of tragedy and death.
But…. when you are the one asked to call God "good" in the middle of your own hardships, it really hits home. When you are knocked so hard you hit the ground with no breath left in you, and you start to whisper, "God IS GOOD” and claw your way back up to standing...... only to be hit with another boulder that not only knocks you down, but into a pit so deep you did not know it was there. And I know, I KNOW, this is one of those times, one of those opportunities to proclaim Gods sovereignty. But all I can think is, "Not me God! Not me! I am afraid my faith is not strong enough not to question you. I can’t point people to your greatness in this because I am having a hard time seeing it. Someone else God! Someone else would be able to point people to you through this. Someone else would be able to look those other moms in they eye at the oncologist and speak of Your Great Love! Not me!" I can barley whisper. I believe in His sovereign love with every thing in me, but I am not strong enough to be a megaphone proclaiming it. Especially when I see a tumor growing so fast in my child that I literally see it growing over night.
I know that someone else-one of those other moms, those speakers, bloggers, or authors would make this great. They would proclaiming loudly with a megaphone God's greatness, but I can’t. All I have is a whisper that says, “God is good in all things. He is Sovereign." I stand on this (even if I am not able to stand tall right now).
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." Isa. 55:9
"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose." Rom. 8:28