Last night I want back a reread a devotional from January 4th . Oh, my heart aches just thinking of that day! It will never be just another day to me. I will always have fear in my heart every time I am woken up by a ringing phone early in the morning. The hurt is go big and deep that I still can’t even look at it. It is like a beast hiding under a blanket. I know it is there (and that covering it up doesn’t make it go away), but at least I don’t have to look it in the eye. And every day I walk past it and see the lump under the blanket, my insides ache.
So, last night going back and rereading those words really exposed the hurt. Oh, but the comfort from the words:
"You will never learn faith in comfortable surroundings. God gives us the promises in a quiet hour; God seals our covenants with great and gracious words, then He steps back and waits to see how much we believe; then He lets the tempter come, and the test seems to contradict all that He has spoken. It is then that faith wins its crown. That is the time to look up through the storm, and among the trembling, frightened seamen cry, "I believe God that it shall be even as it was told me.”- Streams in the Desert, January 4th
Have you believed in a quiet hour? The great and gracious words that were spoken when the sun was shining and they seemed so easy to believe. "God is good all the time," it is so easy to say when it is an easy time. But when the tempest comes, when you can’t even tell if it is day or night because the storm is so dark, and it's pouring rain, and you're trembling and frightened, can you say: "I believe God that it shall be even as it was told me" ? Have you done that? Because then I know your faith (has) won its crown. Are you even now standing in the storm?
I was already standing in the storm, when another storm came, and then another, and now I am curled up in a ball, drenched to the bone, as the storm pours over me. I do say, not with victory and might, but with a gut wrenching sob, "I believe God that it shall be even as it was told me.” Oh, I have to believe that! Because how else could I understand why my sweet and loving Dad was taken from me only a year after he came to know the saving grace of the Lord?
If I couldn’t say, "I believe God that it shall be even as it was told me,” how would I be able to look my littlest girl in the eye when she says, “God is good all the time.” And say “Yes! God is good all the time, even when your tumor grows.” More than anything, I want her and all my kids to see, it is then, in the storm when you are weakest, that your faith wins its crown.
I could not and would not ask for this storm. In fact, I now live in fear of what the next storm will be. But I know our family could not be learning this kind of weathered, heartbreaking faith in comfortable surroundings.